This time I'm going to compare the openings of two novels by the same author.
EXTRACT 1
The village slowly began to shake off its slumber and come to life. Slowly because nothing ever happened with speed in that part of Wiltshire; a mood of timelessness carefully cultivated by the villagers over the centuries prevailed. (The Fog by James Herbert (1975) and published by NEL)
EXTRACT 2
The small mounds of dark earth scattered around the graveyard looked as though the dead were pushing their way back into the living world. The girl smiled nervously at the thought as she hurried from grave to grave. (Shrine by James Herbert (1983) and published by NEL/Hodder and Stoughton)
Which of these is better?
The second by a long way. Let me explain.
In the second extract we have, very quickly, place, image, action and a question (who is the girl and what is she doing?).
The first extract, however, is badly written. You don't need both 'slowly' and 'began to' as they imply the same thing. Neither do we need the repeated 'Slowly' or 'because.' That way we can get rid of the incorrect semi-colon and replace it with a dash. Prevailed refers to the timelessness not the centuries and should be placed as such. Also we don't need 'carefully,' since for the villagers to cultivate an atmosphere over centuries they would have to be very careful indeed.
So, overall, the first exract should read as follows:
The village slowly shook off its slumber and came to life. Nothing ever happened with speed in that part of Wiltshire - a mood of timelessness prevailed, cultivated by the villagers over centuries.
There - that's better. Same meaning, six words less.
But there's still another problem: who wants to go to a place where we are told directly nothing ever happens?
Jack Orchison
June 18, 2014.
Wednesday 18 June 2014
Tuesday 17 June 2014
My biographical bit, part 15: University 6
There are things you wouldn't believe that go on in a chemistry lab, perpetrated by highly qualified graduates too. This is the stuff of the Dick of the Day award mentioned last time.
The reaction that crawled out of the pot on its own was, of course, one of mine, but there were others. Like spending all might isolating a product by column chromatography only for it to go off. Like the reaction that went from clear to yellow to green to blue and, finally, black. Like incinerating the floor next to my bench when a tin of sodium hydride caught fire (I was banished to the chemistry library for weeks for that one)...
My friend Phil Thomas (he of the long walk from Grantham) was once pressurising a massive chromatograohy column, known as the Drainpipe, which contained kilos of silica and litres of solvent, and he forgot to open the tap...Bang! The thing sheared in two with a mighty crack and dumping of its contents. He did this with a smaller one, too, where the pieces of flying glass miraculously missed everyone. He also once spent all night in the lab, where he was still there at 4am when the security man came round, and went to sleep between the bookcases in the library.
Pete Amos, a newcomer when I was in my last year, got off to a bad start when, on the very first day when he introduced himself, he sat on the end of my bench - always a bad idea with chemicals around - and broke some NMR tubes with samples in them soneone else had left for me to analyse. This had to be the fastest winner of Dick of the Day. Yes, he fitted right in!
Andy Hobbs once lovingly isolated the wrong product because he'd forgotten to scrub the acetone out of the acetylene he was using, and set light to a pyrophoric lithium compound on the balance - crimson flames licked at the ceiling tiles.
The fun just continued...
Next time, more cock-ups, fires etc.
Jack Orchison
June 16, 2014.
The reaction that crawled out of the pot on its own was, of course, one of mine, but there were others. Like spending all might isolating a product by column chromatography only for it to go off. Like the reaction that went from clear to yellow to green to blue and, finally, black. Like incinerating the floor next to my bench when a tin of sodium hydride caught fire (I was banished to the chemistry library for weeks for that one)...
My friend Phil Thomas (he of the long walk from Grantham) was once pressurising a massive chromatograohy column, known as the Drainpipe, which contained kilos of silica and litres of solvent, and he forgot to open the tap...Bang! The thing sheared in two with a mighty crack and dumping of its contents. He did this with a smaller one, too, where the pieces of flying glass miraculously missed everyone. He also once spent all night in the lab, where he was still there at 4am when the security man came round, and went to sleep between the bookcases in the library.
Pete Amos, a newcomer when I was in my last year, got off to a bad start when, on the very first day when he introduced himself, he sat on the end of my bench - always a bad idea with chemicals around - and broke some NMR tubes with samples in them soneone else had left for me to analyse. This had to be the fastest winner of Dick of the Day. Yes, he fitted right in!
Andy Hobbs once lovingly isolated the wrong product because he'd forgotten to scrub the acetone out of the acetylene he was using, and set light to a pyrophoric lithium compound on the balance - crimson flames licked at the ceiling tiles.
The fun just continued...
Next time, more cock-ups, fires etc.
Jack Orchison
June 16, 2014.
Sunday 1 June 2014
Being a writer, part 12: Real examples 3
Another two examples for you. Both excerpts are from published novels. They are examples of committing some sort of gaffe (or gaffes) on the first page, even in the first paragraph. Your first page must be perfect!
EXCERPT 1
High up in the thin mountain air of the Andes, Professor Kent looked out for one last time over the moonlit beauty of the ancient ruins of Machu Picchu, stretching away along the valley's edge three hundred feet down below. Only ten minutes earlier he had been lying sound asleep in his warm bed in the Hotel Ruinas, not far from the world famous UNESCO heritage site, when suddenly, without warning, he had been shaken from the depths of sleep by two strangers (Pyramid (2007) by Tom Martin and published by Pan Macmillan).
We get what's happening, but where the hell was the editor? We don't need the word 'up' in the first line, we can replace 'looked out for' by 'gazed.' We don't need 'down' in line two. 'Sound asleep' is a cliché. The research is obvious. 'Suddenly,' which we should never use, means the same as 'without warning,' so this is tautological. And we know he's asleep - what is wrong with replacing 'from the depths of sleep' by 'awake?' And, oh dear, my critique is nearly as long as the passage chosen...
EXCERPT 2
In the distance a dust devil skimmed along the horizon, its trajectory zigzaggig with uncanny intelligence. The Bedouin believed such dust storms to be the restless spirits of those who lay unburied, bone-naked, lost in the harsh desert. Was this a bad omen? Worried that the roughnecks might think so, I glanced over. The field workers, big, fearless men, their overalls blackened with grime and oil, were paused in awe, tools in hand, staring at the phenomenon (Sphinx (2010) by TS Learner and published by Sphere).
If a dust devil is on the horizon, then it must be in the distance, so there is no need for the first three words. Also, how could it be seen to zigzag at that distance? We don't need 'that' in line three, and neither do we need the question. It would be better to say 'Worried the roughnecks might think this a bad omen.' And then there is the real clanger: any guy with his tool in his hand is not going to be doing any work! Unintentional humour kills off all the seriousness the author is trying to build.
This one had ne laughing out loud.
Jack Orchison
June 1, 2014.
EXCERPT 1
High up in the thin mountain air of the Andes, Professor Kent looked out for one last time over the moonlit beauty of the ancient ruins of Machu Picchu, stretching away along the valley's edge three hundred feet down below. Only ten minutes earlier he had been lying sound asleep in his warm bed in the Hotel Ruinas, not far from the world famous UNESCO heritage site, when suddenly, without warning, he had been shaken from the depths of sleep by two strangers (Pyramid (2007) by Tom Martin and published by Pan Macmillan).
We get what's happening, but where the hell was the editor? We don't need the word 'up' in the first line, we can replace 'looked out for' by 'gazed.' We don't need 'down' in line two. 'Sound asleep' is a cliché. The research is obvious. 'Suddenly,' which we should never use, means the same as 'without warning,' so this is tautological. And we know he's asleep - what is wrong with replacing 'from the depths of sleep' by 'awake?' And, oh dear, my critique is nearly as long as the passage chosen...
EXCERPT 2
In the distance a dust devil skimmed along the horizon, its trajectory zigzaggig with uncanny intelligence. The Bedouin believed such dust storms to be the restless spirits of those who lay unburied, bone-naked, lost in the harsh desert. Was this a bad omen? Worried that the roughnecks might think so, I glanced over. The field workers, big, fearless men, their overalls blackened with grime and oil, were paused in awe, tools in hand, staring at the phenomenon (Sphinx (2010) by TS Learner and published by Sphere).
If a dust devil is on the horizon, then it must be in the distance, so there is no need for the first three words. Also, how could it be seen to zigzag at that distance? We don't need 'that' in line three, and neither do we need the question. It would be better to say 'Worried the roughnecks might think this a bad omen.' And then there is the real clanger: any guy with his tool in his hand is not going to be doing any work! Unintentional humour kills off all the seriousness the author is trying to build.
This one had ne laughing out loud.
Jack Orchison
June 1, 2014.
My biographical bit, part 14: University 5
Last time I'd reached the various people that were in my PhD lab during 1981-1984. I'd forgotten one other guy: Wole Shode, another African postdoc. He was a serious and conscientious chap and didn't hold with all our cavorting and pissing around!
One of the things we used to do was play five-a-side football against the other research labs. Our team was okay and I played in goal.
These are the two incidents I remember best:
1. A shot came through a sea of legs, took a slight deflection to my right then, when I was wrong-footed, a big one to the left. I just got down in time to push it round the post.
2. The ball was bounding towards our goal pursued by an enemy striker. All I could do was advance to the edge of the circle to cut down the angle, and I saved the shot too. Pity it was point blank with my genitalia. We were winning 1-0 at that point, but ended up losing 3-1 because I couldn't move.
Then there was the Dick of the Day Award.
This was the basically the top of the head and the ears of a Space Hopper (remember them?) with a cocktail stick in the top bearing a flag made from a sticky label that said Dick of the Day. Dick was underlined. It was specially awarded to any chemical cock-up committed in the lab and was a trophy to be worn with pride on your bench until the next incident, which was hopefully by someone else. It reminded us that a man who never made a mistake never made anything. At least that was our excuse.
Next time: recipient events of the Dick of the Day award - and other gross errors and unbelieveable events.
Jack Orchison
June 1, 2014
One of the things we used to do was play five-a-side football against the other research labs. Our team was okay and I played in goal.
These are the two incidents I remember best:
1. A shot came through a sea of legs, took a slight deflection to my right then, when I was wrong-footed, a big one to the left. I just got down in time to push it round the post.
2. The ball was bounding towards our goal pursued by an enemy striker. All I could do was advance to the edge of the circle to cut down the angle, and I saved the shot too. Pity it was point blank with my genitalia. We were winning 1-0 at that point, but ended up losing 3-1 because I couldn't move.
Then there was the Dick of the Day Award.
This was the basically the top of the head and the ears of a Space Hopper (remember them?) with a cocktail stick in the top bearing a flag made from a sticky label that said Dick of the Day. Dick was underlined. It was specially awarded to any chemical cock-up committed in the lab and was a trophy to be worn with pride on your bench until the next incident, which was hopefully by someone else. It reminded us that a man who never made a mistake never made anything. At least that was our excuse.
Next time: recipient events of the Dick of the Day award - and other gross errors and unbelieveable events.
Jack Orchison
June 1, 2014
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)