Being a writer, part 12: Real examples 3

Another two examples for you. Both excerpts are from published novels. They are examples of committing some sort of gaffe (or gaffes) on the first page, even in the first paragraph. Your first page must be perfect!

EXCERPT 1

High up in the thin mountain air of the Andes, Professor Kent looked out for one last time over the moonlit beauty of the ancient ruins of Machu Picchu, stretching away along the valley's edge three hundred feet down below. Only ten minutes earlier he had been lying sound asleep in his warm bed in the Hotel Ruinas, not far from the world famous UNESCO heritage site, when suddenly, without warning, he had been shaken from the depths of sleep by two strangers (Pyramid (2007) by Tom Martin and published by Pan Macmillan).


We get what's happening, but where the hell was the editor? We don't need the word 'up' in the first line, we can replace 'looked out for' by 'gazed.' We don't need 'down' in line two. 'Sound asleep' is a cliché. The research is obvious. 'Suddenly,' which we should never use, means the same as 'without warning,' so this is tautological. And we know he's asleep - what is wrong with replacing 'from the depths of sleep' by 'awake?' And, oh dear, my critique is nearly as long as the passage chosen...

EXCERPT 2

In the distance a dust devil skimmed along the horizon, its trajectory zigzaggig with uncanny intelligence. The Bedouin believed such dust storms to be the restless spirits of those who lay unburied, bone-naked, lost in the harsh desert. Was this a bad omen? Worried that the roughnecks might think so, I glanced over. The field workers, big, fearless men, their overalls blackened with grime and oil, were paused in awe, tools in hand, staring at the phenomenon (Sphinx (2010) by TS Learner and published by Sphere).


If a dust devil is on the horizon, then it must be in the distance, so there is no need for the first three words. Also, how could it be seen to zigzag at that distance? We don't need 'that' in line three, and neither do we need the question. It would be better to say 'Worried the roughnecks might think this a bad omen.' And then there is the real clanger: any guy with his tool in his hand is not going to be doing any work! Unintentional humour kills off all the seriousness the author is trying to build.
This one had ne laughing out loud.

Jack Orchison
June 1, 2014.