This time I'm going to compare the openings of two novels by the same author.
EXTRACT 1
The village slowly began to shake off its slumber and come to life. Slowly because nothing ever happened with speed in that part of Wiltshire; a mood of timelessness carefully cultivated by the villagers over the centuries prevailed. (The Fog by James Herbert (1975) and published by NEL)
EXTRACT 2
The small mounds of dark earth scattered around the graveyard looked as though the dead were pushing their way back into the living world. The girl smiled nervously at the thought as she hurried from grave to grave. (Shrine by James Herbert (1983) and published by NEL/Hodder and Stoughton)
Which of these is better?
The second by a long way. Let me explain.
In the second extract we have, very quickly, place, image, action and a question (who is the girl and what is she doing?).
The first extract, however, is badly written. You don't need both 'slowly' and 'began to' as they imply the same thing. Neither do we need the repeated 'Slowly' or 'because.' That way we can get rid of the incorrect semi-colon and replace it with a dash. Prevailed refers to the timelessness not the centuries and should be placed as such. Also we don't need 'carefully,' since for the villagers to cultivate an atmosphere over centuries they would have to be very careful indeed.
So, overall, the first exract should read as follows:
The village slowly shook off its slumber and came to life. Nothing ever happened with speed in that part of Wiltshire - a mood of timelessness prevailed, cultivated by the villagers over centuries.
There - that's better. Same meaning, six words less.
But there's still another problem: who wants to go to a place where we are told directly nothing ever happens?
Jack Orchison
June 18, 2014.
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